35 – 47 Pudding Lane
London EC1V 0LP
United Kingdom
00 44 020 377 2009
www.rhubarbrhubarbrhubarb.com
Rhubarb, Rhubarb & Rhubarb Bank
Ms Celeste Custard
26 Caramel Drive
Herne Bay
Kent CT5 0PL
Our ref: 004-09445 099 330009
18th March 2009
Dear Ms Custard
We stand before you naked. Vulnerable. Blushing. Shamed. Do what you want to us. Slap us with your disappointment. Whip us with your anger. Spank us with your recrimination – all the way to Wall Street and back. Make us feel that hurt just as much…as we hurt you.
We have been naughty. Very naughty. However, we have not been naughty-naughty. But caught up in a maelstrom of naughty-ness that has compromised everything about us. Who could blame you for flirting with our High Street rivals such as Jam Roly-Poly Bank, or throwing yourself at The Jelly-Belly Building Society, or even fluttering your lovely lashes at Spotted Dick Investments. We would deserve nothing less, were it not for the fact that we know in our hearts that Rhubarb & Custard go together like…like…like Apollo & Daphne, like Romeo & Juliet, like Posh & Becks.
Remember when we first met? That frisson of financial pheromones? We said it would be forever. And ever. Come what may. That we would always be here for you. There for you. Everywhere for you. And we were. We are. And will be. Again and again and again… Snuggle back into our arms. Let us nibble away every shred of doubt on your troubled brow. Relax in our strong, swarthy sensual embrace. Imagine we are kissing you all over with moist puckering lips and darting tongues into your most intimate pecuniary crevices. Our crumble may have lost its crunch, but our bark will never lose its bite.
Filthy about lucre
Sebastian Smarm – Director of Client Intimacy
Remember the value of your investment can go up and down, and in and out. Rhubarb, Rhubarb & Rhubarb Bank take no responsibility whatsoever for anything we agree to, and the customer shall be liable for all debts incurred by the Company in pursuance of enrichment of the Directors and any shortfall due to reckless gambling by the aforesaid Board of the Company shall be bailed out by the Taxpayer without any recourse from the aforesaid suckers.
