26 Fruits

 

Lime Bank

Lime Overseas Savings & Securities
Narrow Street
London E14

Dear Fellow Investor,

There’s a liquidity crisis in the global financial system. In other words, the world is thirsty for investment but Wall Street’s out of juice. Truth is, most of the so-called experts passed their sell-by dates years ago. Which is why I’d like to introduce you to our new star investment team – Red Sorrel and Holly Azara.

Yet again, I’ve searched the world of finance to find and develop raw talent capable of transforming your seed capital into a fertile growth fund. Right now I’m enabling our guys to develop the edge needed to generate Green Alchemy™, our bespoke process for Turning Your Money into More Moneyⓒ. We’re a unique, head-spinning cocktail of talent with a taste for risk in a world governed by corporate responsibility, ethical anxiety and mediocre footwear. Hey, kid, who ever made a fortune by being great at ‘compliance’?

Some of you have raised questions about the investment team I introduced to you this time last year, Eureka Lemon and the Pawpaw twins. Sad to say, they just couldn’t mix it in the psychopathic environment of global finance. While I take 100% personal accountability for the success of the fund (together with a 3000%-of-salary non-refundable bonus payment unrelated to fund performance), I do feel you were let down by their decisions and actions. Turning your £25 million fund into £37.43 (after deductions for photocopying, transatlantic commuting and the acquisition of a company pied à terre in Chelsea Harbour) is disappointing. Rumours that I was solely responsible for investing £24.9 million in the now dissolved MezCal and Lime Offshore Trust (Tijuana) is mere speculation.

Talking of which, the dynamic new team of Sorrel and Azara is now ready to help you get the financial hit your funds deserve. You know what, there’s no ‘depression’ at Lime House. We’re looking at growth charts that go off the map. And off the map is where we’re going with our NEW Lime Overseas Savings & Securities ‘Atlantis’ Fund. Transfer your £1 million today to benefit from our trend-defying, location-neutral growth sensation.

As I sit here on the company’s Sunseeker Predator, watching the sun create glistening diamonds of light on the surface of the sea, I can tell you that the Lime team see extraordinary opportunity ahead. And I have every confidence you will see breathtaking performance and literally unbelievable figures from us. Yet again, I’ll be using my experience, quiet charisma and personalised digital communications device to ensure that, like every great cocktail, we Synergize Our Way to Success the Lime Way™. Be part of it. Or as we say in the office, Suck it and See!

Yours,

Harri


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