26 Fruits

 

Sorry MPs

Roger Horberry aka Strawberry has written this new version of the base text in the style of a contrite MP. It made me laugh. Perhaps this is the 27th or 28th way – more to come on that soon, as I’ll be posting new versions contributed by other writers following the ‘challenge’ set at the book launch the other week. For now here’s Roger’s….

Chairman’s Foreword

It has been a good year for Technology Holdings, but a bad year for the reputation of our executives. You will, by now, be aware of the accounting muddle that has cast a shadow over our recent results. I feel it is my duty to explain my actions.

Firstly let me state quite categorically that I obeyed all the rules. I wrote them, so I should know what’s in them. I don’t, but I should. Nevertheless, I think we can all agree that it is the system that is rotten. So rotten in fact that I could barely bring myself to claim per diem expenses only fractionally larger than GDP of many African countries.

Secondly, let me stress that accountancy is not my strong suite. Granted, I was Chief Financial Officer at TH for over a decade, yet this has no bearing on our present difficulties. I was busy, too busy to remember that in fact I don’t have a private jumbo jet for which I claimed. Such slips of the mind can happen to anyone.

In the current vindictive atmosphere some shareholders have complained that claiming reimbursement for the cost of reglazing my 11 acre Georgian orangery at a cost of £3.2m runs contrary to the spirit of our expenses policy. I understand their concern, but I would like to point out that the resulting oranges are a vital part of TH’s business, as they contribute towards my five-a-day, as I believe it is called. It is impossible for the modern executive to put too high-a price on health. Others have questioned my need to claim for nappies, tampons and rubber sheeting. To them I say, what I do in my private life is no concern of yours.

Nevertheless I am sorry. Very, very sorry – as said only yesterday to the officers of the Serious Fraud Office as they searched my office, my home and even my mistresses flat. A line must be drawn (directly below my expenses claim in fact).

When all is said and done, I think you will all agree that my record speaks for itself.


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