The February brief for the Merton dark angels comes from Paul Redstone.
There’s been even more talk of weather than usual in recent months, what with Europe’s unexpected snow and chill, speculation about the effects of global warming in the wake of the Copenhagen fiasco, floods in Bolivia, etc.
These days there’s much apportioning of blame for the climate, and an equal amount of denial that there is even a problem. In earlier times we would have been looking to appease the weather gods. But where are they today?
So your task, my dear angels, is to introduce a weather god or goddess for our age.
Claire Falcon writes
Leaves on the Line is what is called a ‘kitchen-sink’ god. Not one of those who are remembered in the great myths and heroic epics of a bygone age. Oh dear me no. The cult of Leaves on the Line was discovered by a second rate archaelogist during a small, badly-funded dig under the auspices of the local council, who were ‘doing their bit for education’ by allowing a few weeks of investigation before pulling down and concreting over the last old station master’s house in the town. With luck, he (or she, the inscriptions were not all that clear), might get a write-up in the Watford Gap University Press Journal of 21st Century Archaeological Non-entities, and perhaps a mention (with a photo of the beardy and his trowel) on the back page of the local rag. According to records discovered on the site, worship rites surrounding this god (or godess) verged on the black magic, with all manner of supplications and dark arts practised to keep him (or her) placated. Funnily enough, particularly early in the morning and early in the evening, and particularly too in the autumn months, although it is believed that there may have been other festivals during the year. There is also some suggestion that worshippers tended to cluster around a station, which may have had a secondary role as a temple, although this theory is yet to be proven.
Stuart Delves writes
THAW. Please. We invoke thee.
Jamie Jauncey writes
ODINdeed we do.
John Simmons writes
Woden it be good if the sun shone.
At which point the archangels were thrown out of heaven for the sin of bad punning
But not before Martin Lee wrote
You mean, instead of us all shiva-ing?
Paul Redstone writes
Honourable Council of the Gods, Annual General Meeting
Special Sub-Committee for Sky and Weather
Zeus presiding
– Morning everyone. Let’s get straight to business shall we? The first point on the agenda is efficiency strategies.
– Why can’t you just say redundancies?
– Ah, Vasilia, direct as always. But like I keep saying, it’s not just about redundancies. It’s about customer focus and developing an outside-in perspective.
– So there will be redundancies then?
– Look, time is short so I suggest we stick to the business at hand. Now, fog and mist. Mummu, son of Tiamat, has had the fog brief for millennia, but we haven’t seen him at a meeting for centuries. Absenteeism doesn’t fit with our new way of thinking. Furthermore, some members have suggested that fog and mist are in fact just different degrees of the same weather. It is therefore proposed that we consolidate fog and mist into a new portfolio, Low Visibility Precipitation, and promote Ayauhteotl to Overgod. All those in favour? Motion carried.
Next we have hail. Ullr has decided to take early retirement so I propose consolidating hail and snow into Low Temperature Crystalline Precipitation, to be headed up by Khione. In favour? Carried.
Next, doubling up of roles. In the current climate we can no longer afford the luxury of a dedicated storm god. Sadly we’ve had to let Aiolos go. His duties will be taken up by the gods for the relevant weather conditions involved. To this end we’ve formed a working group for multiple weather. The group will have joint responsibility and report directly to me.
Next point, and this is an old chestnut, some members have again raised the question of a possible gap in our areas of responsibility. Namely clear weather at night. Ra of course has the daytime brief, but there is no corresponding nighttime position. So, does that mean we have no weather on clear nights? And if so, do we need to create a new portfolio?
– That’s a pointless discussion. And we need something different.
– My dear Vasilia. I’m sure we’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
– Let me finish. Confidence in the gods is at an all-time low. We shouldn’t be skulking in the dark. We need something high profile. Something… visionary. I’m talking totally new weather, never seen before. Something to make them look up in shock and wonder.
– That’s all very well, but we’re already using all of the elemental groups.
– Not fire.
– Fire? Are you serious? Fire can’t be weather. We’d never get it past health and safety.
– That’s just where we’ve been going wrong, brothers and sisters. Since when has weather been about safety? Just imagine it. Pure fire raining down… What? Oh, sorry Chac, of course rain is your job. Firing down then, enveloping the people in cleansing shrouds of flame. Now that’s weather my friends. Precipitation we can be proud of. What say you Zeus?
– Sigh. I see you’ve got everyone excited. Very well, we’ll set up an R&D group to look at the technical side, and in the meantime I suppose we can get Works going on a feasibility study. There’ll be a lot of paperwork… Ah – the coffee and biscuits have finally arrived.